Kloe Goes to Court - Part 5
Court reinforced a lot of the things we'd been trying to teach Kloe about anxiety but he took it even further. He walked her through her fears with "what's the worse case scenarios", and he asked questions until he got to the core of what was causing her so much fear. When we found out she was afraid her headaches meant she had a brain tumor we looked into getting a brain scan to put her mind at ease but after working through it with Court, she realized that the anxiety was what was causing the headaches and she decided there was no need for a scan.
We went to Court for the first time and I wasn't too hopeful. I wanted him to help me but I thought that my parents had said everything there was to say and if that didn't make me feel better then how would this therapist? I did know though, that the way he reacted to my anxiety would help me. If he acted like it was normal and easy to fix then I'd feel better, but if he acted confused and a bit concerned, I would know something actually was wrong with me. That's basically what I decided on and counted on to let me know what was going on.
We got in there and I explained everything that was going on and we talked about different levels of anxiety and what things triggered it and what I was most afraid of. We talked about the worst case scenarios too. He told me that if I was nervous I was going to pass out while driving to think all the way through it. I'd be driving. I'd pass out. I'd either wake up soon after and have swerved a little, or I would stay passed out and probably gotten into a crash or my foot would've came off the pedal and I'd have just stopped. Either way it would result in a little accident but he said "PROBABLY nothing too serious". I hated doing this because it freaked me out to think all the way through it, and honestly, most of the time by the end of the "worst case scenario" it usually seemed silly that I was nervous about it.
After that, we talked a lot about learning to feel MY feelings instead of other people's feelings and to recognize what I was feeling and when I was feeling other peoples feelings for them. I learned that I had gotten so caught up in feeling for other people that it was hard for me to recognize and distinguish my own feelings. That was where some of my sadness was coming from. An example of this is: Sometimes something really bad or sad would happen to someone that I'm close to (sometimes even people I'm not close to) and I'd feel as though it happened to me. I would get so genuinely sad for them and I'd stay sad for a while. One time in Choir there were these girls making fun of another girl with a disability and as I watched them say mean things and continuously make fun of her, (thankfully the girl with the disability was out of earshot and didn't know) I felt myself start to get really angry and then really sad, I almost started crying right there in our weird singing circle thing. It was like they were saying it to me. Court explained to me that I am empathetic and that is a good thing but I'm too empathetic sometimes. Court suggested I get a journal to write down how I felt each day and it helped me to see how I had improved and what I was doing and what needed to change. That was really helpful during this time.
Lastly, and the biggest thing that Court and I had to talk about was friends. This was really hard for me. I had some friends who were not good for me. I learned through my parents and through Court that I am a very loyal and dedicated friend. Instead of going the extra mile for them, I'd go the extra 10 miles haha. I love doing things for my friends, they mean so much to me and I put a lot of time and effort into them. When I got into high school, my closest friends stopped inviting me to things. They only talked to me in the classes that they had with me which was one or two. They'd really only text me if they needed something from me and then I wouldn't hear from them otherwise. It didn't bother me for a few months. I wished that they'd spend time with me and want to hang out, but I understood that life gets busy. I still loved them and would drop everything and anything for them. Court pointed out that, that wasn't really good for me. I was investing my time into people who didn't invest back and that I needed to surround myself with people who'd reciprocate the friendship at least a little. This was really hard for me because I didn't want to admit to myself that they weren't good for me, I'd have lots of thoughts like, "But we've been friends for so long! I'm sure they'll change." or "They don't mean to be treating me like this, it's just coincidence or an accident". Finally I realized that these people were only bringing me more sadness and anxiety so I let go. I want to add that there was no fall out or drama about it either, sometimes you just have to quietly take a step back. So that's what I did. It was really difficult, because even though I had felt alone for so long, I tricked my brain into thinking that I had somebody. Now I really didn't. Sometimes things would happen to me and I would sit down and cry because I had no one to talk to about it. I couldn't vent to anybody or talk to anyone for so long and that was really difficult. I just wanted somebody to be there but it didn't feel like anyone was. I started praying a lot for good friends. Every single day I would pray for SOMEBODY that could be a friend. My mom told me to make a list of what I want in a friend and then to be that friend.
Court taught me that I need to be happy with myself. I need to be my own best friend and I needed to create relationships with my family. So that's what I did. During that time I still prayed and prayed for better friends, but I also was learning how to be happy just with myself. And if I'm being completely honest, once I learned how to be okay and content with myself, that's the happiest I have ever been. I remember going into work in the middle/end of February and I was walking around and I realized, I hadn't had a headache all of that day, and then I realized that I felt really really happy. I was walking around just smiling. When I realized this I ran to the bathroom and thanked Heavenly Father immediately. I cried and cried, I was so thankful to be feeling good and happy, and it wasn't because of anybody or anything except myself (and of course Court and Heavenly Father's help). I had a lot to learn about myself and a lot of self control and mental control and once I focused on my happiness and myself, instead of friends, I was happy. Happiest I've ever been. And I have been really happy ever since.
And then I met Nick Thaller.
I met Nick when I first started at my job in January. He trained me and taught me the ways of the workplace but that was really it. I didn't think anything of it and I didn't think we'd talk that much anyways, so I'd see him every once in a while and that was it. But the more I saw him the more I was interested in him. He was so kind to everybody he talked to and he seemed genuinely interested in how everyone was doing. He never swore (still doesn't haha), and that's rare at work. Everybody is mad about something and swears are flying around like there's no tomorrow but he never did and I really liked that about him. I could just see that he was a really good person and that he had a good heart... so i started doing lots of things so that I could talk to him more and spend more time around him. I wanted to get to know him! After months of little schemes to be his friend, I decided that I really liked him. Since April we've gone to prom together, Flaming Gorge, a fun cabin trip, lots of hammocking, and countless other adventures, usually in the mountains. He became my best friend. The best friend I had been praying and praying for, for months. But it wasn't until I had learned to be happy with myself and to give myself to the Lord that I found that best friend.
Nick is very sensitive to others and their feelings. He's really funny. He's very kind to everyone. He is definitely drama free. He's very mindful and thoughtful. He's fun, optimistic, trustworthy, happy, and he has the strongest faith and values of anyone our age. He's everything on that list and more. My mom pointed that out to me one day. She said, "Kloe... I think the friend you've been praying for is Nick" and she was 100% right. He is my bestest friend and I can talk to him about everything, but so are my sisters and family, and the Lord and I got pretty close, and I guess I've got myself too. I came out with the coolest friends in the end and I am so thankful for that. Prayer works.
We went to Court for the first time and I wasn't too hopeful. I wanted him to help me but I thought that my parents had said everything there was to say and if that didn't make me feel better then how would this therapist? I did know though, that the way he reacted to my anxiety would help me. If he acted like it was normal and easy to fix then I'd feel better, but if he acted confused and a bit concerned, I would know something actually was wrong with me. That's basically what I decided on and counted on to let me know what was going on.
We got in there and I explained everything that was going on and we talked about different levels of anxiety and what things triggered it and what I was most afraid of. We talked about the worst case scenarios too. He told me that if I was nervous I was going to pass out while driving to think all the way through it. I'd be driving. I'd pass out. I'd either wake up soon after and have swerved a little, or I would stay passed out and probably gotten into a crash or my foot would've came off the pedal and I'd have just stopped. Either way it would result in a little accident but he said "PROBABLY nothing too serious". I hated doing this because it freaked me out to think all the way through it, and honestly, most of the time by the end of the "worst case scenario" it usually seemed silly that I was nervous about it.
Another fear Kloe told Court about was being alone in the basement at night. Ever since Dakota had left she hadn't been sleeping well. Having him just down the hall was a real comfort to her. Kevin and I learned about this at one of her counseling sessions, so that very night Kevin started sleeping on the couch in the family room right next to her room. After just a few weeks she was okay to be downstairs alone at night. Court pointed out that getting enough sleep and eating well are important and can help with anxiety.
After that, we talked a lot about learning to feel MY feelings instead of other people's feelings and to recognize what I was feeling and when I was feeling other peoples feelings for them. I learned that I had gotten so caught up in feeling for other people that it was hard for me to recognize and distinguish my own feelings. That was where some of my sadness was coming from. An example of this is: Sometimes something really bad or sad would happen to someone that I'm close to (sometimes even people I'm not close to) and I'd feel as though it happened to me. I would get so genuinely sad for them and I'd stay sad for a while. One time in Choir there were these girls making fun of another girl with a disability and as I watched them say mean things and continuously make fun of her, (thankfully the girl with the disability was out of earshot and didn't know) I felt myself start to get really angry and then really sad, I almost started crying right there in our weird singing circle thing. It was like they were saying it to me. Court explained to me that I am empathetic and that is a good thing but I'm too empathetic sometimes. Court suggested I get a journal to write down how I felt each day and it helped me to see how I had improved and what I was doing and what needed to change. That was really helpful during this time.
(Don't worry they get happier! But more personal haha)
This was a journal my friend Karri recommended.
We found it on Amazon.
Lastly, and the biggest thing that Court and I had to talk about was friends. This was really hard for me. I had some friends who were not good for me. I learned through my parents and through Court that I am a very loyal and dedicated friend. Instead of going the extra mile for them, I'd go the extra 10 miles haha. I love doing things for my friends, they mean so much to me and I put a lot of time and effort into them. When I got into high school, my closest friends stopped inviting me to things. They only talked to me in the classes that they had with me which was one or two. They'd really only text me if they needed something from me and then I wouldn't hear from them otherwise. It didn't bother me for a few months. I wished that they'd spend time with me and want to hang out, but I understood that life gets busy. I still loved them and would drop everything and anything for them. Court pointed out that, that wasn't really good for me. I was investing my time into people who didn't invest back and that I needed to surround myself with people who'd reciprocate the friendship at least a little. This was really hard for me because I didn't want to admit to myself that they weren't good for me, I'd have lots of thoughts like, "But we've been friends for so long! I'm sure they'll change." or "They don't mean to be treating me like this, it's just coincidence or an accident". Finally I realized that these people were only bringing me more sadness and anxiety so I let go. I want to add that there was no fall out or drama about it either, sometimes you just have to quietly take a step back. So that's what I did. It was really difficult, because even though I had felt alone for so long, I tricked my brain into thinking that I had somebody. Now I really didn't. Sometimes things would happen to me and I would sit down and cry because I had no one to talk to about it. I couldn't vent to anybody or talk to anyone for so long and that was really difficult. I just wanted somebody to be there but it didn't feel like anyone was. I started praying a lot for good friends. Every single day I would pray for SOMEBODY that could be a friend. My mom told me to make a list of what I want in a friend and then to be that friend.
Court taught me that I need to be happy with myself. I need to be my own best friend and I needed to create relationships with my family. So that's what I did. During that time I still prayed and prayed for better friends, but I also was learning how to be happy just with myself. And if I'm being completely honest, once I learned how to be okay and content with myself, that's the happiest I have ever been. I remember going into work in the middle/end of February and I was walking around and I realized, I hadn't had a headache all of that day, and then I realized that I felt really really happy. I was walking around just smiling. When I realized this I ran to the bathroom and thanked Heavenly Father immediately. I cried and cried, I was so thankful to be feeling good and happy, and it wasn't because of anybody or anything except myself (and of course Court and Heavenly Father's help). I had a lot to learn about myself and a lot of self control and mental control and once I focused on my happiness and myself, instead of friends, I was happy. Happiest I've ever been. And I have been really happy ever since.
And then I met Nick Thaller.
I met Nick when I first started at my job in January. He trained me and taught me the ways of the workplace but that was really it. I didn't think anything of it and I didn't think we'd talk that much anyways, so I'd see him every once in a while and that was it. But the more I saw him the more I was interested in him. He was so kind to everybody he talked to and he seemed genuinely interested in how everyone was doing. He never swore (still doesn't haha), and that's rare at work. Everybody is mad about something and swears are flying around like there's no tomorrow but he never did and I really liked that about him. I could just see that he was a really good person and that he had a good heart... so i started doing lots of things so that I could talk to him more and spend more time around him. I wanted to get to know him! After months of little schemes to be his friend, I decided that I really liked him. Since April we've gone to prom together, Flaming Gorge, a fun cabin trip, lots of hammocking, and countless other adventures, usually in the mountains. He became my best friend. The best friend I had been praying and praying for, for months. But it wasn't until I had learned to be happy with myself and to give myself to the Lord that I found that best friend.
